Category: Personal Relationships

Workplace Hierarchies and Professional Boundaries

Navigating the social rules and expectations of a work hierarchy can be challenging, especially when the hierarchy is poorly defined or explained. Aspies, though not alone in this struggle, are often ill-equipped to decipher hierarchies that aren’t explicitly spelled out. Things can be further complicated when people with existing work relationships change roles or supervisory levels.

The goal of this post is to call attention to these issues and to provide a few basic guidelines based on my experiences and with Aspies in mind. Different workplaces will have unique quirks and sources of tension that may require you to deviate from this advice, but I feel the plans I present here are generally good starting points.

Unclear or Unofficial Hierarchies

While at some jobs you will receive a printout of the organizational chart (a diagram that conveys the supervisory relationships between people working within a company, department, unit, etc.) on your first day, other workplaces are less concerned with such structures or less able/willing to clue you in immediately. This is the case in many academic labs because these structures are mostly conserved between labs, departments, and universities. Most labs will expect incoming graduate students to already be familiar with the relative “ranks” of professors, postdocs, grad students, and undergrads.

Despite this, some labs blur the lines between roles in the spirit of collaboration. There is nothing wrong with this necessarily, though it may still be helpful to be aware of the typical expectations for each role. In labs studying live animals, for example, day-to-day husbandry duties are commonly handled by a mixture of grad students, undergrads, and/or paid technicians depending on the lab. While deviations from this pattern aren’t strictly against any rules it’s important to understand what is “normal.” A postdoc or professor who is temporarily roped into husbandry duties may feel they are working outside their role and likely will not want this situation to continue for very long. Similarly, technicians with a narrow job description or set of responsibilities will probably be willing to step outside their role occasionally for the good of the lab. However, if this happens too frequently they might feel frustrated because they aren’t getting to do what they signed up to do or because they don’t have enough time to handle their normal duties. It’s important to know what is “normal” for your and your lab mates’ responsibilities so that you can recognize a deviation from those expectations when it happens and act accordingly.

Work hierarchies outside of academia can be just as vague. In many small organizations like non-profits and family-owned companies, nearly flat organizational structures are common. If hired by one of these you may join a team where everyone shares the same job title and official role description with only one or a few supervisors in charge. Environments like this can create tension because seniority is often held as an unofficial mark of rank within the organization. People who share your job title may feel they outrank you because they have worked there longer, and this can color their interactions with you, their expectations for which duties you take on, and their reactions to the distribution of raises and recognition. There is some validity to this as more senior employees will have experience you lack and should be a good resource for you while you train and get situated. That said, the lack of an official hierarchy can lead to disagreement regarding what the unofficial hierarchy looks like. If a newer employee gets a promotion, is formally recognized, or is trusted with an important responsibility, more senior employees may complain or become frustrated because, in their minds, they outrank the newer employee and have been unduly overlooked. In this case, the supervisor’s version of the unofficial hierarchy conflicts with that of the senior employees.

Flat organizational structures can also lead to “cliques,” where a subset of (often more senior) employees will band together and socialize. Groups of friends in your workplace are not a problem, but if one group is positioned with any sort of authority over the rest of the employees, either officially or unofficially, they can become gatekeepers. If this happens, entirely new social rules come into play if you want to advance or gain any sort of recognition. Everyone will need to curry favor with the in-group to be taken seriously. While it pays to be aware of this pattern there is no simple solution. Many people who leave jobs they otherwise enjoyed have cited workplace cliques as their reason for quitting. This doesn’t mean you have to quit your dream job if cliques start to develop, but pay attention and try not to become part of the problem.

At the end of the day remember that there is always a hierarchy, whether it’s explained to you or not. If your organization gives you a formal chart, make sure you understand it and treat those who outrank you the way you would treat a supervisor. If you work somewhere (like an academic lab) where people will arrive with specific expectations for how the hierarchy should look, be aware of what those expectations are likely to be and how people will react to deviations from them. In the absence of an official hierarchy people will come up with their own, often based on seniority. While you should try to learn from senior employees and treat everyone with respect, remember that unofficial hierarchies can be sources of discord. Cliques may also use this vacuum to position themselves as gatekeepers, creating new implicit social rules you will need to follow or skirt around to succeed in that workplace.

You can’t always predict the dynamics of a workplace hierarchy but it’s in your best interest to understand what your coworkers expect and how they may react to different situations. With some effort you can effectively navigate the social environment of your workplace in an intelligent and responsible way, helping you to maintain healthy relationships and avoid conflicts.

Moving Between Roles

Many workplaces promote internally, raising the possibility of shifting supervisory roles. When a worker steps into a managerial or leadership position their professional relationships with their coworkers can become complicated. I feel this situation deserves some special attention.

I have had coworkers who were originally my peers promoted to leadership positions directly overseeing me and I have been hired to work for an old peer/coworker at a new workplace. Neither of these experiences were negative and I don’t want to imply I encountered any of the following problems in either case, but these were the uncomfortable scenarios I quickly realized I needed to be prepared for in each case.

If your friend/coworker gains a supervisory role, either temporarily or permanently, it can be easy to cross workplace boundaries. As a supervisor they will generally have access to information you don’t, potentially including hiring plans, news that hasn’t yet been announced to all employees, and other employees’ private information. So long as they behave professionally and separate their new responsibilities from their relationship with you there won’t be a problem. However, it can be tempting to reveal some of this privileged information to you due to your existing friendship. That would place you in a very uncomfortable situation. If this happens to you, it’s your responsibility to assert a professional boundary and make your new supervisor aware of the discomfort they are causing you. This can generally be done without sacrificing your friendship.

Your relationship with this new supervisor can also be abused to guilt you into making concessions at work you wouldn’t otherwise. You might be asked to work longer hours, take on more responsibilities, not count hours as overtime that should be counted, cover shifts you wouldn’t normally consider, etc. Because you have a relationship with this supervisor you are more likely to empathize with their problems (e.g. not having someone to cover a shift, not having the money to pay for overtime) and are therefore more likely to step in to solve their problems to your own detriment. Again, maintaining a professional boundary is key. Ideally both you and the supervisor would be aware of this possibility and intentionally avoid it.

Lastly, you may now need to withhold information from your supervisor that you would have shared with them previously. If, for example, you are applying for other jobs and intend to leave as soon as you get an offer, sharing this with your boss is not always a wise choice. Your supervisor may feel hurt when they find out you’ve been withholding information that concerns them as your friend because of their new role. You can’t control how others react, but you do need to make sure your actions are defensible, respectful, and necessary. If your supervisor is emotionally mature they will understand and respect your choice.

Whether you are the worker or the new supervisor in this situation it’s important that you set and maintain healthy professional boundaries. You can’t control other people, but you can set the tone by approaching every situation with rationality and respect.

Photo Credit to Pexels

Uncomfortable Situations in the Workplace: Being Courteous while Standing Up for Yourself

For Aspies and Neurotypicals alike, entering the workforce can be intimidating. The social etiquette involved with applying for a job is relatively straightforward, but what are you supposed to do when it’s time to move on? How do you juggle multiple job applications (or offers) at the same time? How do you approach your employer if you feel you’ve been treated unfairly? Each of these issues requires careful application of courtesy, self-advocacy, and economics.

The purpose of this post is to present a collection of lessons I have learned, not to outline an exhaustive guide to job market etiquette. I’m still figuring out how to navigate the American capitalist employment landscape myself and am by no means an expert. This blog is, however, aimed at aspiring natural scientists who will likely need to work in the private sector at some point in their careers, and will probably encounter issues unique to this line of work. My advice is not a one-size-fits-all solution, but it is rooted in my experience with this niche of the employment world.

Multiple Job Offers

The process of finding, applying for, and accepting a job has become streamlined and understandable thanks to the internet. Company webpages clearly explain what they are looking for in a candidate and (most times) outline the application and interview process thoroughly. Things on the applicant’s end can be decidedly messier.

For many budding scientists, our first encounter with the full-time job market is after graduating from college. This gives us a clear timeline for when we will be available to work, but also creates a looming deadline by which we all hope to have something lined up. The natural response is to hedge your bets by applying for multiple positions at once. This isn’t against any rules, but it can create an uncomfortable situation if you get multiple offers on different timelines. Some jobs may give you a window of a few days or more to accept or decline their offer, but others may not (it’s almost always acceptable to request a deadline if one isn’t given, by the way). Worse yet, one job may require you to accept or decline their offer before you hear back from other jobs.

An example from my career: While approaching college graduation I applied for multiple seasonal fieldwork positions. In the end I was turned down for all but one of them, which I gladly accepted. I would be working for a small invasive fish monitoring/removal company near campus for just above minimum wage. About two weeks after accepting the position I was contacted by one of the employers that had turned me down. The person they had chosen over me had accepted a job offer elsewhere, so they were willing to hire me after all. I was inclined to say no because I had already verbally accepted another offer, but this position was objectively better in every way (higher pay, more prestigious employer [state agency], better schedule, longer contract, more interesting work, etc.). I struggled with this situation for a while, but a mentor at the university encouraged me to take the better job offer. Her advice was that as a young person just entering a frequently hostile economy, no one can blame you for doing what is best for you. I accepted the new offer and let the small company know I would not be working with them that summer (uncomfortable email, but a good decision).

I feel this advice should apply to all age groups and career levels. Until you sign a contract to work for a specific employer, your primary concern should be getting the best deal for you. Don’t feel bad about it, and don’t feel forced to turn down an offer just because you’ve verbally committed somewhere else.

When Your Coworker is Laid Off

As I write this, I have been out of work for about a month and a half due to the COVID-19 pandemic. I wasn’t necessarily laid off, it’s more that both of my jobs depend almost exclusively on the travel industry which is nonexistent in the United States these days. We have no customers, so there is no work. The lead-up to this sudden shutdown has taught me quite a bit about workplace etiquette regarding lay-offs. As our customer base started to dry up, the higher-ups were faced with a difficult decision. They seemed to have work for some, but not all employees. In the end they chose to temporarily lay off three of the most junior workers. Hindsight is 20/20, and in this case the layoffs were pointless because all work ceased less than a week later anyway. However, there is an important lesson to be learned from this situation. Employees who had been notified that they would be laid off had to come to work for a while before the changes took effect, and were working alongside those of us who still had secure employment (at least, we thought we did). This created an extremely uncomfortable dynamic that neither Aspies nor Neurotypicals are prepared for.

If you find yourself in a situation like this or will soon, there is one significant pitfall you need to work to avoid. If you have any sort of positive relationship with your coworker who has been laid off, you need to be supportive without unintentionally making it about you. This seems obvious, but I have seen Neurotypicals fall into this trap as easily as anyone on the spectrum. Your comment may be intended to communicate a “We’re all in this together, I support you” sentiment, but it can easily come across as “I am equating my situation to yours even though you were laid off and I wasn’t.” Before you speak to your coworker, triple-check what you are about to say to make sure they won’t feel invalidated by it. Once you have expressed support, it would be wise to listen to what they have to say and let them vent if they need to. Generally, try to avoid comparing their problems to yours by recounting a time you dealt with something similar. Your goal here, at least in your first conversation about the layoff, is not to give advice or to “put their problems in perspective.” Your goal is to be supportive. This process won’t be necessary for every coworker, but it is generally good practice with anyone that you would consider a “work friend” or with whom you speak frequently. Just because your workplace is getting chaotic doesn’t mean your relationships with your coworkers should suffer.

If There is a Dispute about Unpaid Wages

Wage theft is a profoundly serious issue, and I sincerely hope you are never victimized by it. Essentially, if you think your employer is not paying you the wages you have earned (whether by paying you less than minimum wage, deducting money from your paycheck beyond tax withholding and other required deductions, or by not giving you overtime pay) the first thing you should do is gather up all of your documents and crunch the numbers. You absolutely do not want to accuse your employer of wage theft without the numbers to back it up. If the math supports your claim, you need to have a respectful conversation with your employer about the situation. Write everything down; it is vital that you document every interaction with your employer regarding your wages from this point forward. If you open the conversation with a polite enquiry, explain your understanding of your contract and how the law applies to your situation, and make clear what you are asking for, you will probably get one of three responses.

If your boss explains that your position is subject to different legal circumstances than you thought (e.g. you fall under a union contract that has different overtime rules than generally apply) or otherwise shares novel information that changes your calculations, you should graciously and politely accept their explanation. Make sure to ask enough questions to fully understand their legal reasoning, then double-check it yourself at home to ensure you are being treated fairly. If your employer’s explanation doesn’t hold up to scrutiny, legal action of some sort may be warranted.
If your boss realizes there has been some sort of mistake in paying you, hopefully they will seek to remedy the situation quickly to avoid further embarrassment.
If your boss denies that you were underpaid or otherwise wronged but does not provide a satisfactory explanation for the discrepancy in your math, you may need to take legal action.

This may seem to be an awfully quick escalation, but it is important to remember that employment is a contract. You provide your employer with your time and effort, and in return they pay you. The terms of your contract are subject to many government regulations. If your employer is not fulfilling their obligations to you under your contract, or if the contract itself does not satisfy employment regulations, your employer is breaking the law. If the result of your initial conversation with your employer is a legally unsatisfactory explanation and you still believe you have been shorted, you generally have two options*. You can file a civil lawsuit, which will almost certainly require you to hire a lawyer and pay other court-related costs while being relatively quick, or you can file a wage claim with the appropriate state agency. The wage claim process is generally cheaper than filing suit, but often takes much longer. Additionally, each state handles this process differently. If you can’t afford a lawyer/the amount you are claiming wouldn’t make a suit worth it, your best course of action is to research your state’s wage claim adjudication process online. Try searching for “state name wage claim.”

This is a very uncomfortable situation, but wage theft is a serious enough offense that you can’t afford to ignore it. Especially in the natural sciences, we need every cent we earn! Situations like this necessitate that you advocate for yourself, and self-advocacy is a valuable life skill we could all use a little more practice at. Future employers will understand why you didn’t list this employer as a reference, and you won’t be blacklisted from all jobs in your field. You will be ok.

*My experience comes exclusively from the United States where lawyers are plentiful, and most state governments will have some form of wage claim process. Depending on your country you may or may not have these or other options available to you. Regardless, an internet search is a good place to start.

Negotiating Your Pay or Salary

In many jobs, your hourly rate of pay or regular salary will vary depending on your experience even when first hired. This is because a more experienced employee may be considered more valuable to an employer than a less experienced person. Large and complex employers, like government agencies or big corporations or universities, often have regulations governing how much a person with a given amount of experience or education should be paid for a given set of responsibilities. The idea behind systems like this is to ensure fair and equitable pay across work units and between individuals. In the natural sciences, you are especially likely to encounter heavily regulated payment systems when working for state or federal agencies, which represent a significant portion of non-academic jobs in our field.

However, there are jobs without such systems in place where your salary or wage may be negotiated during your interview. The examples that come to mind are mid- to high-level environmental consulting positions at private firms, although I’m sure other instances exist in the natural sciences. This is not a blog about the dynamics of corporate hiring, and I am not qualified to coach anyone in subtle or manipulative negotiation tactics, but I can advise you to do your homework! When applying for a position that doesn’t have a clearly defined salary/wage, look online to see how much the average person with this job makes. You likely won’t find an exact number, but you should be able to arrive at a general range of amounts that seem appropriate. From this range, you can decide on the lowest amount you are willing to accept. It’s also wise to reach out to any trusted contacts or advisors that work or have worked in this industry or type of job. Armed with this information, you will be able to tell if the interviewer is trying to low-ball you (offer you a salary or wage that is well below normal for this job) or making a fair offer.

Once you have worked in a position for a while, there may come a time where you need to ask for a raise. Some employers implement regular across-the-board wage increases to counter the increasing cost of living in their area, but this is not guaranteed. Even with cost-of-living increases, over time you may have picked up additional responsibilities and/or become significantly more efficient in your work. At the middle to lower ranges of the income scale, you may also need to ask for a raise because of expenses that have increased faster than anticipated (e.g. Your rent or utilities went up more than you expected, or you incur unexpected medical bills).

Generally, discussions about pay are best handled in a dedicated meeting or discussion, even if only for five minutes. Don’t try to catch your boss as he/she walks through the workplace, as they are almost certainly occupied with something else. Request a one-on-one meeting with them at a defined time, and make clear what the meeting is about (You could say “I’d like to meet with you to discuss my contributions here at X,” not “We need to talk.”).

You should arrive to this meeting with two clear pieces of information. First, know what you want. What is your wage/salary currently, and to what amount do you want it increased? Don’t just vaguely ask for a raise without knowing exactly how much. Second, you need a justification. Your employment is a matter of economics for your boss, so the best way to get what you want is to make a sound economic argument. If you have significantly increased your work output or taken on significant additional responsibilities since your current rate was established, point to those facts as evidence of your increased value to the organization. Conventional wisdom holds that you shouldn’t offer your increasing expenses as justification for a raise, even if that is why you need one. Although some employers might be more predisposed to a “sympathy raise” than others, it is generally considered more professional to make a “workplace-centric” argument for a raise. In this case, it may be appropriate to ask for more responsibility/offer to take on additional work to justify a subsequent request for a raise.

These are general guidelines that likely apply in most work environments, but my most important piece of advice regarding raises is to determine what is and is not acceptable in your specific organization. If you have coworkers that you trust enough to ask about this sort of thing, do so. Determine what the “normal” procedure is, then operate within that range of appropriate behaviors. Asking for a raise is always terrifying, but if you prepare, remain polite and respectful, and make a reasonable request, the worst your boss will say is no.

When You Screw Up at Work

No one goes their entire lives without messing up at work. You are only human, and you will probably make hundreds of mistakes throughout your career. The sooner you accept this inevitability, the sooner you can begin to process mistakes healthily and learn from them.

The first step you should take after realizing your error is problem assessment. Calm down, then determine both the severity and solvability of the problem. Severity is how big the problem is (i.e. How expensive is the thing you broke? How many people will be affected by your error and for how long? What are the ultimate consequences of your mistake?) and solvability is how quickly and easily, and with how much help, the issue can be rectified.

If the problem can be resolved with relatively little time and effort, it may not be worth bothering your supervisor. This of course depends on the situation, but in a lot of cases your boss would probably prefer that you handle the problem yourself if possible. If, however, the problem is more significant/is not immediately solvable you need to be honest and up-front with your supervisor. Apologize for the mistake but try not to dwell on how bad you feel over it. Instead, work to be a part of the solution (“I know I messed up; how can I help to make it right?”). You may still be in some trouble depending on the severity of the consequences, but this will show your ability to learn from your mistakes and your desire to solve problems.

Photo Credit to Pexels

Living with Roommates as an Aspie

Moving out of our parents’ house is a scary process for all of us. There are so many things to worry about, from staying in touch with family to remembering to handle utility payments. For Aspies, there is often an additional consideration. Whether you are moving away to attend college or to pursue a job, odds are you will have to deal with roommates at some point. Because the rules that govern these relationships are rarely explicitly established, Aspies often struggle to get along with neurotypical roommates. In anticipation of this, you should prepare yourself for some of the issues you are likely to face.

I can offer advice for living amicably with multiple neurotypical roommates based on my personal experience and that of people I know, but I can’t speak toward your specific roommates. The blanket caveat here is that people, autistic or neurotypical, are incredibly different from one another. If you feel that one of the approaches I recommend here will fail with your roommates, don’t try it. Above all else, I highly recommend laying out ground rules together when you first move in. Not everyone will agree on the same ground rules and this post is not supposed to outline what your rules should be. Instead you should consider each of the following areas where conflict might happen and decide how you feel about each issue. This will prepare you for the “ground rules” conversation. Many of the issues I discuss here will be much easier to handle if you have established basic rules and expectations on day one, and my advice assumes you have done this.

Whose Names are On the Lease Matters

I understand this issue may be either nonexistent or completely inescapable depending on where you live, but I had friends in undergrad that were able to avoid it. In the U.S., zoning laws sometimes limit the number of unrelated tenants that can sign a lease for a particular property. Landlords might get around this by, for example, allowing four or five people to live in the property and pay rent, but only letting two of them sign the lease. Setting aside the questionable legality of the situation, this can become an issue if there is a conflict between roommates or if someone moves out during a lease period. If a tenant whose name is not on the lease decides to leave, they are not under any legal obligation to continue paying their share of rent. The unexpected rent increase for everyone else is inconvenient at best and completely unmanageable at worst. This uneven power dynamic is neither safe nor appealing, so I heavily recommend that you find a place where everyone can sign the lease.

Utilities

Depending on where you live, utilities like water, electricity, gas, trash, sewage, and internet may be included in your rent, billed separately, or a mix of the two. If you anticipate having any non-rent shared expenses (utilities, communal grocery trips, etc.) it is vital that you establish a few ground rules when you first move in.

First, you need to decide how these expenses will be divided. I imagine most people would prefer to split the bills evenly, but some people might suggest other payment schemes. For example, you might have a roommate who never watches TV that doesn’t want to pay for the cable bill, or one who plans to have their significant other stay over much of the time, in which case you might ask them to contribute more toward utility payments. The household doesn’t have to agree to these schemes, but you should hear them out, discuss them, and decide what to do as a group.

Second, you should establish a protocol for making changes. There are situations where a change in your utility payment scheme is necessary. Depending on how many roommates there are, a majority vote or a unanimous agreement might be best. You’ll also want to talk about whether a voter can abstain or must pick a side. Establish that now, so you don’t have to argue about it later.

Finally, you need to talk about new roommates. If you plan on living here for more than one lease period, you may have to find new roommates as the old ones move out. The “ground rules” conversation needs to happen again with the new roommates, especially when talking about utilities/shared expenses. The goal here is to avoid a situation where someone is suddenly stuck paying more money than they originally planned to. What you need to decide now is whether an incoming roommate-

Automatically agrees to the utilities/shared expenses payment scheme that was in place before they arrived, meaning any changes they request must go through the usual decision-making process (majority vote, unanimous agreement, etc.), or-
Gets to renegotiate the utilities/shared expenses payment scheme upon their arrival and is under no obligation to accept the previous scheme.

The benefit of establishing this now is avoiding an argument later when a new roommate tries to get out of paying a bill they were expected to pay, requiring everyone else to pay more. This also prevents new roommates from being surprised by a shared expense because everything will have been discussed with them before they sign the lease. Open communication and agreement on a simple set of rules at the beginning of the roommate relationship is vital when trying to avoid money arguments later, and utilities and other shared expenses are the biggest culprit.

Discussing Non-Monetary Issues when Moving In

So far I’ve talked about leases, rent, utilities, and other shared expenses. Conflicts in each of these areas can be quite serious, as the implications have dollar signs attached. On a day to day basis, however, you are much more likely to experience roommate conflicts with less serious, more socially based implications. For example, a common source of frustration in many college dorms, apartments, and households involves cleaning up after oneself in the kitchen. Standards of cleanliness and motivation to clean vary from person to person, sometimes leading to hostility. The fallout of such arguments won’t require anyone to pay money, so many of us assign less importance to and fail to plan for such situations when moving in.

These situations should be addressed to a certain extent during the “ground rules” conversation, but you’ll need to handle them differently than the money-related topics discussed above. Although an extensive system of household rules may appeal to you, I would caution you against trying to push your neurotypical roommates down this path. Many neurotypicals, especially younger ones, have an innate sense of distrust around rules, particularly when those rules are made by one of their peers rather than an authority figure. Generally, the more rules you push for, the less seriously your roommates will take each subsequent rule and the more they will feel controlled and untrusted. The last thing you want to do is give your new roommates the impression that you are impossibly particular and bent on controlling them. You’ll need to pick your battles by pushing for the most important house rules first. From there, you can work towards the issues that are less important to you, gradually transitioning from “establishing rules” to “feeling out how each other will operate.” For example, in my college household I prioritized a rule against nudity in the common areas (living room, kitchen, etc.). Because this was important to me, I made sure to bring it up first when my roommates still had the energy and enthusiasm to talk about strict rules. Later, we discussed things like cleaning up in the kitchen and acceptable shower lengths. Because I prioritized these issues less, I didn’t push for hard and fast rules. Instead we had a discussion where everyone shared how they felt, so we were on the same page and groundwork was laid for any future issues that came up. This may seem more inefficient than just deciding on rules for everything now, but neurotypicals usually don’t want to do this and will react negatively if you try to make them.

You should also make sure to invite and listen to each of your roommates’ opinions on each issue you discuss. Just because you prioritize an issue highly and want there to be a strict rule doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t have an equally valid point of view. So long as your roommates still have the patience and energy to do so, everyone needs a chance to speak on each issue. Lastly, you should approach this conversation together. Think of your roommates as teammates working together to solve a problem, not opponents to be beaten, proved wrong, or overcome. The “ground rules” conversation, done well, will be vital for you to live healthily and happily with your roommates and should help to prevent future conflicts.

The Chore Chart

Depending on your living situation, there will probably be at least a few communal chores to handle. Whether it is worth the time and effort to set up a system of accountability for these chores is up to you and your roommates and your need for such a system will vary. If, for example, you share a one-room college dorm with one roommate, there is little communal space to clean. You might opt to take turns vacuuming the room every couple of weeks, but beyond that there are probably no other major chores. If you live in an apartment, you’ll likely need to clean the bathroom, wash dishes, clean the kitchen, vacuum and/or mop the floors, and take out the trash and recycling, among other things. If you upgrade to a full house, you might have a yard and/or driveway to maintain, including raking leaves, removing snow, and mowing grass. Personally, I have found semiformal chore accountability systems to be helpful when living with more than one roommate in anything bigger than a basic dorm.

Getting all of these chores done regularly can be a handful, especially if you are a college student or work long hours. Even if you split up responsibilities amongst the roommates, resentment will build if someone appears to be doing less than someone else. If you and your roommate(s) decide the best way to distribute responsibilities fairly while ensuring everything gets done is a chore rotation system, I recommend that the rotation be tracked in a place that everyone can see. In my college household we used a cardboard chart that separated the weekly chores into five categories. Each roommate had a different-colored paperclip which would be rotated to a new category on the same day each week. This literal chore chart was posted in the communal area of the house. If you don’t want to use a physical chart, you can easily set up a comparable system in a roommate group chat. Just make sure everyone agrees on the chore categories and rotation timeline before setting it up and remember to post the new responsibilities on time.

There are situations where a formal rotation is unnecessary. If, for example, you only have one roommate that you know well and get along with, settling into the home and feeling out who will be responsible for which chores and how frequently they need to be done as you go might work fine. However, for the most part you probably won’t know your new roommate(s) very well when moving in and I don’t recommend taking this risk. Even if your roommates are skeptical about needing a chore chart at first, they will probably change their minds after a week or two of living with someone whose standards of cleanliness and motivation to clean are lower than theirs. At the end of the day, how you handle chores is up to you and your roommates, but in my experience the value of a chore chart accountability system cannot be overstated if you have more than one roommate.

Roommate Conflicts

Inevitably, you will find yourself in conflict with one of your roommates. You can’t plan for everything and even if you have planned for a given situation, emotions tend to run high once you’re in the middle of things. When this happens neurotypicals and autistics alike may abandon prior agreements about how the situation should be managed, much to the frustration of others involved. This means that each person participating in the dispute is now relying on their own personal values, sense of fairness, and ideas of right and wrong, rather than whatever agreements you had in place. These vary between individuals, and that gap can only be bridged by calm and rational discussion with the goal of compromise. This is not something that someone in an emotionally heightened state, autistic or neurotypical, can be reasonably expected to do. When you find yourself in a situation like this, you should prioritize defusing the situation by first assessing yourself, determining how you can calm down, and doing so, then by assessing what the other person needs and providing that opportunity to them.

This is where self-reflection will benefit you. My parents taught me from a young age that it is not wrong to experience negative emotions, only to act inappropriately based on those emotions. Applied to a roommate setting, this means that it is ok to feel frustrated or upset with your roommates, so long as you don’t lash out at them. Responsibly handling your feelings in this way requires a healthy amount of self-reflection. As a result, I believe it is the responsibility of every person to spend time thinking about what makes them tick. This can’t be done in a day and is worth a substantial time investment. This also isn’t something that you can learn by reading my blog; you’ll have to ask yourself why you react the way you do to different situations, and eventually notice patterns of behavior that clue you into how you think emotionally. This is a very personal journey, and it may be more difficult for some people than for others. I won’t say any more here because self-reflection is an area where I have a lot more growing to do, but the internet is full of people with better advice on this subject than me.

With the benefit of your time spent reflecting you should be able to recognize why you are upset at a given moment and have the discipline to stop escalating the conflict. From there, you need to assess what the other person needs. In my experience, the vast majority of neurotypicals need space and time. It is usually in everyone’s best interest for you to disengage from the argument and leave the other person alone for a while to calm down, deal with anything else that was bothering them, and return to a state where they can work constructively with you to solve the problem. How long this will take, and how they will reconcile with you, depends on the person. Prepare for this by getting to know how each of your roommates works in a conflict. Observe which sorts of things upset them and which don’t, how they go about solving their problems, and how they calm themselves down after a conflict. Do they take a hot shower? Do they need to be alone in their room for a while? Do they need to vent to their other friends? Once you have this understanding, you can predict what your roommate will need after you disengage from the conflict. Stay out of their way and let them do whatever it is they need to do.

Once everyone has had a chance to calm down, it is important that you reconcile. Regardless of whether you still feel your original argument was right, you should apologize for having had an argument. If you raised your voice at all, if you came on too strong and upset your roommate, or if you didn’t disengage as quickly as you should have, admit it and apologize. The most important lesson I have learned from dealing with neurotypicals is that an olive branch like this can be an immensely powerful thing. If you admit that you both have egg on your face because of the argument, they will be much more likely to reconcile. I reiterate, do this even if you still feel your original position is right. The world of interpersonal relations is incredibly complex and I’m still learning new things every day, but this method has worked very well for me. Handle roommate conflicts like this, and I believe your household will be socially healthier for everyone.

This conflict flow-chart summarizes what I’ve written above about defusing conflicts with your roommates.

Talking to your Roommates about Asperger’s

For some of us this is the most intimidating topic in the post. Unfortunately, it’s also the subject I can say the least about. There is no set of guidelines or rules that will tell you what to do in this situation. To quote Temple Grandin, “Rules are not absolute; they are situation-based and people-based.” Whether your roommates will find out that you are on the spectrum may or may not be a decision you get to make, depending on whether you are trying/able to pass as neurotypical in front of them and how observant or familiar with autism they are. Likewise, how they will react should you choose to share this information with them is not up to you. Good people may have a negative reaction if they are unfamiliar with the autism spectrum because confronting your own ignorance is uncomfortable. The only advice I can give on this subject is to surround yourself with people who care about you and support you, open up to them about your Asperger’s only when you feel comfortable and supported doing so, and remember that you don’t have to pretend to be neurotypical for people to like you.

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